The Devil's Music

Back when I posted on Usenet, I did a list of my least favourite songs of all time. 'Classics' by Neil "Self-Plagiarist" Sedaka and Jimmy Gilmer and the Fireballs were high on the list, timeless pieces of crap that they are, but I don't recall the whole of the rankings now.

I ain't diggin it up, though. Too many memories in that Usenet archive...

Anyway, the list would be sadly out of date, because so many terrible, terrible songs have come out in the last few years that re-evaluation of my list is in order.

Two tunes that I feel sure I will look back on with loathing five years from now bear analysis.

"Who I Am," by Jessica Andrews

This one emits fumes from the get-go: "If I... never live to see the seven wonders." Hate to break it to ya, chickie, but you could live to be a thousand, never mind a hundred, and not see six of 'em. They're kinda gone and all. Points off for an example of stuff she can live without that's useless at best, 'cause NO ONE will be able to see that no matter how many Grammys they win.

Which brings us to another reason this song is terrible-- it's all about her, little Jessica Andrews and her singing career. She may never win a Grammy, but that's okay 'cause her momma's her fan, and her friends love her. All well and good, but the listener is never given any reason to love this self-satisfied, self-absorbed little girlie. She may know who she is, but at the end of the song I don't especially and I've no reason to care. Jessica is right-on when she calls herself "clueless and clumsy," though, as the lyrics to the bridge attest: "I'm a saint and I'm a sinner, I'm a loser; I'm a winner."

Go away, Jessica; Alanis Morrisette does the "find meaning in cliche dichotomy" thing better than you ever, ever will.

I hope Jessica is a one-off source of badness. If she's not an American (or Canadian) Idol reject, she sure sounds like one, and I don't think that'll have much lasting appeal.

The other song on my (s)hit parade is from a more prolific source of irritation. Train are a major purveyor of under-thought and overplayed sludge, the dregs of what used to be "alternative rock." They've replaced the now-defunct Creed as my least favorite pretends-to-be-rock band, and the tune currently infesting the airwaves is a good example of why I loathe them.

"Calling All Angels" isn't so much a song as an attempt at one; it's barely more than one verse, a bridge, and a fragmented, repetitive refrain. Most of it is padding; "I won't give up if you won't give up" alternates ad infinitum with the short-on-meaning title phrase. It would be just banal, but Train are so lacking in versatility that it sounds very, very, much like their previous songs, IOW not very good. And, given that it's the third or fourth time this particular brand of aural backwash has hit the airwaves, that makes it Very Annoying.

Still, it's the lyrics to the bridge that sends this one careening into pure "whafu..." territory and sends my bile rising every time I hear it.

When children have to play inside so they don’t disappear

Trite and manipulative. When a hack songwriter is out of ideas and wants to jerk you around, he asks you to think of the children.

While private eyes solve marriage lies cause we dont talk for years

TMI, dude. If this is a comment on your own marriage, it sounds like your own damn fault. If it's a generalization about American life, as the previous lyric seems to be, it's a dumb one.

And football teams are kissing queens and losing sight of having dreams

What...
The...
HUH?!?

Ok-aaaaaay. I thought football players were supposed to dream about snogging the prom queen. That's not a good thing anymore? Or... wait. Is Train's lyricist saying that America's football teams are facing a threat from crossdressing homosexuals? Drag queens are destroying America's youth through kisses?

I... Don't...Get...This

In a world where all we want is only what we want until it’s ours

Eh. Unoriginal. And Courtney Love did a better and more personalized take on this particular sentiment on "Violet."

Train are friggin' irritating overall, but "Calling All Angels" takes the caca cake. It's more than dire, it's a force of evil potent enough to give me the urge to sacrifice baby mice and rabbits to make it Go Away.

Gyah.